Ironman New Zealand 2012 - Dealing with Disappointment

Ironman is always teaching you something new.

No matter how well you think you have this event sorted, something will come along and challenge you like you've never experienced before.

This year that challenge came in the form of the weather. The approaching storm left the organisers with no choice but to cancel the race, only 12 hours before our alarm clocks were set to wake us for our epic day. That they were able to put on a half distance the next day was phenomenal, and all kudos to the New Zealand crew and the World Triathlon Corporation (WTC), owners of the Ironman event, for making it happen.

In the 36 hours leading up to our eventual start time, then, I remained positive and focused on preparing to have a good race, no matter what the distance. My main thought and sympathies were for the first timers who had had their maiden ironman journey taken away from them. From a personal perspective, I was in a fortunate position and, if anything, more relaxed going into the revised distance.  A 70.3 was almost "just" a training day for me.  I had a few of those under my belt, including one in Wanaka just 6 weeks ago, so I could go into this with more confidence and push things a bit more.

What I wasn't expecting, though, was to feel so down about things afterwards. During the run I hit a couple of low spots where it seemed my heart just wasn't in it and that undoubtedly caused me to walk more than I wanted or planned. Then once I had finished and in the days afterwards I would occasionally get caught unawares and find myself in tears, for no obvious reason, struggling to embrace the positives. 

I had trained hard all year - we had overcome so many obstacles to get me to the start line and here was this freak of nature event that would prevent me from finishing our own annus horribilus on a high note. It may sound trite, but it really seemed like I was going through a grieving process for the ironman I had "lost".  My head was saying all the right things, and my head had been fully in control prior to and during virtually all of the race, but afterwards my heart took over and I did feel the loss.

So how did I deal with the disappointment?

I ended up doing a couple of things.

One of those was a "brain dump" to Coach Dave.  One of the great things about a coach is their ability to maintain an external, big picture, perspective on things when you're incapable of thinking at all rationally.  And this became a really valuable exercise.  I put down all the positives and all the challenges in an email to him trying to make sense of it all.  And this is what I came up with:

Positives:

• I’ve done an Ironman before. This year wasn’t about proving my ability to do the distance. I am an ironman and that will never change.
• For me, training for ironman is a lifestyle, a life-long journey.  This wasn't a one-time, tick it off your bucket list, event.  I love the sport and plan on doing it for many years to come.
• Based on the previous statement, there will be more ironman finishes in the future.  Long term this will be just a blip and in 5 years time we'll look back on this as "the year of the weather bomb" and just one of those things that happens.
• Despite doing a shorter distance, my age group performance has improved by about 20% on last year.

Challenges I Need to Deal With (Why I'm Struggling to Stay Positive):

• My training/tapering/lifestyle had been focused around completing the IM distance. This didn’t happen and so the year seems somehow incomplete.
• The focus on training had been all around the season finishing (albeit for a short time!) in March and April providing an opportunity to have a break, give something back to St Pete, enjoy life and Sydney for a bit before getting back into it and looking towards next year. Even though I had a hard race and feel like I need a break, I don’t really feel it’s right, because I haven’t yet done the “A” race I was aiming for.
• After crossing the finish line of an ironman, you walk around with a real sense of satisfaction, knowing you achieved your goals. This time around I don’t have that same sense of satisfaction (despite the positives above).

What do I need to do about it?

• Get over it! Seriously, though, I know it's just a matter of time. I’m feeling flat, exhausted (and occasionally emotional) now, but that will pass, especially as I start to look towards next year.
• Ironman Port Macquarie? There may be an opportunity to do an ironman event at a discounted rate and Port Macquarie could be an option, in May.  It means extending the training year for another 8 weeks. It will give me my “A” race for the season. But, based on the positives above, what have I got to prove? Without even considering the likely cost of adding an unplanned (major) event to the calendar, do I actually “need” to do it to feel better about things?

By getting out the positives and negatives I was able to clarify my thoughts but, most importantly, I gave myself permission to be down for a couple of days.  I was physically and emotionally exhausted and I needed to go through that process.  Plus I knew it was a temporary state of mind, which would only be made worse if I tried to fight or suppress it.

And I got the feedback I needed from Coach Dave - love your work, D :)

I also took a huge weight off my mind by making the decision not to do Port Macquarie Ironman.  Pete had already proved his position as best support crew in the world, bar none, by not hesitating in saying that if I wanted to do Port Mac then he would make sure it happened.  (How many spouses would do that?!!!!  He so deserves my IM medal!)  But March was my end of season, and I needed to give myself (and St Pete) a break from training.  Adding another 8 weeks to the year, while possible, wasn't going to achieve anything long term in the scheme of things and Pete deserved to have me back for a few weeks before we started looking towards next season.

The second thing I did was review my results for the two half IM distances I had done this season and, by doing so, identified concrete outcomes that confirmed the year's efforts hadn't been wasted.  Online calculators were found and spreadsheets were created (yes, typical Type A personality/Ironman behaviour!) which gave me back a sense of control and understanding of the season and my performance.

And sure enough, by the middle of the week, I found myself looking to next year.

My mind had started mulling over what had gone well (in terms of individual disciplines/splits), what hadn't met my expectations, and possible focus points leading to Ironman New Zealand 2013. That analysis is for the next blog, but it is a sure sign that I have moved on and have well and truly left any disappointment behind.

Fab!